Life is short, making finding true happiness while we can of the upmost importance. As far as I know, we only get one chance at this life, so why do we spend so much of our time trying to make miserable relationships work when we should actually just let them go and be with people who genuinely bring joy into our lives?
I’ve been experiencing chronic headaches lately, so I decided to go to talk with my doctor about it. She was concerned after hearing of my symptoms and has scheduled an MRI for me tomorrow, so that they can see if I have a brain tumor or an aneurysm. My anxiety and fear have been through the roof for the last couple of weeks, as I’ve been waiting for this MRI to happen. Ever since I can remember I have dealt with hypochondria and have always been very fearful that I have an illness or am going to die. I start imagining the worst-case scenarios whenever I am actually ill and drive myself insane until I am well again. Although the rational part of my brain is usually able to counteract the fearful side, one of the worst things I could hear is, “We want to make sure you don’t have a tumor or aneurysm”, when I have feared those words my entire life. I’ve had a lot of time to contemplate my life and realize that if this scary moment would have happened during my previous two marriages, that I would have felt so unfulfilled and disappointed with how I was living my life.
Isn’t it interesting how the most dramatic moments of your life make you realize what is truly important? When you think about the future does it bring you happiness to imagine your spouse by your side through the ups and downs or does it make you feel like you have wasted your time?
I spent way too many years of my life on the wrong people. My first marriage was an 8-year relationship all together and the second was 5 years. I ignored all of the red flags, I struggled through all of the agonizing fights, I suppressed my intuition as it screamed at me that I was making mistakes in getting married, and allowed myself to become accustomed to the daily tears that flowed as a normal part of life. I didn’t know what happiness or real love were, nor did I feel deserving of them. I believed that I was a terrible, unlovable person who would never find anything better, so I stayed in relationships that made me feel insignificant and sad.
After finally gaining the courage to end my last marriage, I felt a surge of relief like I had never felt before. I took time to figure out who I was as a single woman and created a life that I felt truly happy with all by myself. I no longer NEEDED a relationship to make me feel whole because I felt whole on my own. I could eat what I wanted, watch what I wanted, do what I wanted, and live how I wanted without consulting anyone else about it and it felt amazing!
My new outlook on life and sense of happiness did end up drawing another relationship into my life when I wasn’t even looking, nor wanting one. As much as I tried to fight it, my heart and intuition were finally on the same page and wouldn’t allow me to run from this man who suited my life so well. So, as I sit here in a relationship that I never expected, with a two-year-old son I didn’t plan for, scared as shit of what the results will be from this MRI tomorrow, I can at least say that I honestly know what happiness and love are supposed to feel like and I deeply hope that I am able to enjoy them for many more years to come.
Please don’t waste years with someone who brings more pain than joy into your life! Find what makes you happy on your own and allow the universe to do the rest. You won’t want to endure the scary and devastating trials of life in a relationship that only adds to your pain. You will really appreciate knowing that when the bad times happen, you have chosen to live a life that you can be proud of, rather than one that you regret. It can be immensely difficult and frightening to let go of someone who has become a pivotal part of your life, to embark on a new chapter as a single person, but know that it can also be incredibly liberating and exciting if you drop your walls and allow it to be.
I am praying that these headaches are stress-related and not something more serious, but as I impatiently wait to hear the results of the tests tomorrow, I can hug the two loves of my life and feel blessed to have them by my side. I hope you that you have found the same happiness or that you are at least on the right path towards discovering it!